Am I just as worthless as I thought? I fear I am.
I try to say the opposite, that I'm worthy, that I'm "special," that I will make a difference. But I don't know if I really believe that. Sometimes it just sounds ridiculous.
Nobody will ever love me. At least not the way I want them to. I'm just not worth it. I am not worthy of being loved. I don't deserve love. Why would someone want to love me? Nobody wants to "deal with" someone with Borderline. That's the last thing they want to do. And so I sit here, alone. And that is how it will be forever. Until the day I die.
Now that's the reality of Borderline. It comes crashing down like waves upon the sand. Being happy is just a lie. Being even content is pushing it. My self-worth has been destroyed, and I don't even know who I am anymore. I can be whatever I need to be. Except happy. That's just a fairy tale. An impossible dream. It's very much wanted and needed, but it's just not attainable. You become scared when you feel yourself getting "too happy," becuase you know it won't last. Something terrible Will happen that shows you that you don't deserve good things, that you made a mistake thinking that you could be a value to anyone.
I call Borderline "constant suffering." Because no matter what you're going through, no matter how much you desire to feel carefree and happy, there will always be that voice in the back of your head telling yourself how worthless and stupid you are. Every mistake you make feels like a slap in the face. And you criticize and berate yourself for it, feeling that familiar guilt and shame creeping in. You try to run from it and deny it, but you cannot run. It is always there. It is who you are.
I didn't choose to be this way. Why did I get stuck with this? Some people might say that you're only given how much you can handle. But this is a losing battle. Two steps forward and fifty back. If you start feeling too cocky, life will show you that you're "not allowed" to feel this way, you're not special, you'll never be special. With Borderline, you're not allowed to feel certain feelings that everyone else is privilege to...
ReplyDeleteWoW, what a scary and depressive state to be in, all the time... I honestly cannot imagine, but I KNOW that everything you just shared about "Who" you are is not True. I'm sure people who love and respect and think you are an awesome person, who does awesome things for others and has a huge heart of Gold that "shows up" for others and walks with them, providing whatever it is they need: A shoulder, an ear, a laugh, a sigh, a tear or a Hug, I've seen you be that person to others over and over and over again. Someone like that is not a loser, and not someone who doesn't have great beautiful things in their life. THIS, is a story of how you feel Today. It may be how you feel tomorrow, or even the next day. Just because you "feel" this way or that way, doesn't mean it is your full reality self. It is the restraints that you place on yourself when you believe the "lie" that you are unworthy, subordinate or 'less than'.
If you look around at your home, your children, your jobs, friends and people around you every, single day, you will find that none of these people see you as horribly as you see yourself. I understand that cannot penetrate right now for you. Right now, riding these thoughts and feelings out to not thwart you from the amazing path you have begun is special for you! Jounaling, painting 🖌️🎨, and doing the things you love and bring you peace and joy are what's important for you to hold onto and Use, whenever these opinions and lies about yourself begin to suffer. You don't have to believe All the great things about yourself that other people know and see in you. But, stifling the negative, 'my life sucks and will never get better,' sets you up for self sabotage and the 'self-fulfilling prophesy'. There are POWER in your words and what you say to yourself about yourself. And, dear heart, as much as you feel you are damaged goods, never having love or anything remotely close to it, you don't realize all the love and support you already have all around you..Stomp on these lies of degradation and worthless winds as they come blowing in. Stop them right in their Tracks. Lies have no POWER over Truth and lies cannot exist when they are exposed to light 🕯️. Lies do their dirt in secret behind bare walls and when you aren't thinking about them. They show up and are there to wreck everything that you are, that you have and that you love and hold dear to you. If someone you don't know came to you and started yelling all these things to your face that you say you are, what would be the first thing to happen? The person I know is always ready to stand up for what's Right and what's true and deserving for others. This is no different. When you are ready to fight back, please reach out to me again. I will fight with you and for you..Until then, be kind to yourself right now. You are in pain and disillusionment and not sure how to stop and get a hold of it. Pick up a paint 🪥, turn on some of your favorite music and ART yourself on canvass everything you feel right now. Let it start right there and don't stop until all your outsides are on canvass/display to see.... I'm here for you, like so many others are.. When you allow those IN, who are 'safe.' You are not alone. You are AJK, untouched, alive and Free!
Thank you. I appreciate all your kind words.
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