The Background   Borderline Personality Disorder. These words can be daunting. What does it mean? Will I be okay? How will this affect my life as I know it? I have BPD. I refer to it as “ constant suffering .” Your mind does not stop. It is constantly looking for the smallest sleight, pondering when the next person will leave, reminding you over and over how you are not good enough. For anyone. Ever. For me, BPD has been a constant presence in my life. I remember feeling huge feelings from the time I was little. I was very sensitive, and I cried. A LOT. I was very quiet and shy. Then I had a life-changing experience. Fourth grade. I come in from recess and hear my teacher saying “I hate that Amber Howard girl” to another teacher. What?! Of course my feelings were hurt. I didn’t understand. I ran to the bathroom and cried. Then I had a lightbulb moment. I was suddenly conscious of everything around me. And if she hated me for who I was, a quiet girl who bare...

       Am I just as worthless as I thought? I fear I am.      I try to say the opposite, that I'm worthy, that I'm "special," that I will make a difference. But I don't know if I really believe that. Sometimes it just sounds ridiculous.         Nobody will ever love me. At least not the way I want them to. I'm just not worth it. I am not worthy of being loved. I don't deserve love. Why would someone want to love me? Nobody wants to "deal with" someone with Borderline. That's the last thing they want to do. And so I sit here, alone. And that is how it will be forever. Until the day I die.       Now that's the reality of Borderline. It comes crashing down like waves upon the sand. Being happy is just a lie. Being even content is pushing it. My self-worth has been destroyed, and I don't even know who I am anymore. I can be whatever I need to be. Except happy. That's just a fairy tale. An impossible dream. It's ...