Different Elements=Different Perspectives

     

    ...When you have Borderline, there are things you think and do that you don't want anyone else to ever find out. You hide parts of yourself. The "bad" parts. The taboo parts. And you definitely don't tell just anybody how you are really feeling. You just say "I'm fine," even though you're dying inside. Why do we do this? Because one- we know that most people really don't care anyway, and two- we will be judged, harshly, for who we are, what we think, things we say, and how we feel. I cringe even writing this, because it does make me very vulnerable. And I tend to not make great choices when I'm feeling vulnerable. I make awful choices. and I choose things that cause me great pain, like choosing the most emotionally unavailable person to love, or choosing to go back to them over and over. Why do I do this? I guess it's because I want to punish myself, beat myself up, because that's all I know. I don't know "how" to "be good" to myself. I do know how to be good to others though, and that is why I have dedicated my life to helping other people. I don't want anyone else to feel this way. I want people to be happy and content, things I struggle to be. Why do I want this for others and not myself? I feel like it's too late for me. My life is half over. Why waste time on a losing effort like me when I could help others to have long, beautiful, happy lives? I'd much rather help them. And it gives me a good reason to stay alive. If I couldn't help other people, I wouldn''t be here. I would have given in to the ever-increasing urge to end it a long time ago.

    I am but a mere conduit, a passing flash of encouragement and support for others. I truly just want people to be happy, I genuinely care. It dosen't matter if I know them or not, when they are suffering I see me. And nobody deserves to feel that way. I want to be their pathway away from that. I want to help. I will most definitely sacrifice to help others. Why wouldn't you give up a trip for, say, fast food if it means someone else will eat at all that day? If I am able to give, I do. And I don't expect Anything back. I just want to help. Just is also another word for ethical and fair, and that's how people should be treated. Judgement-free and without prejudice.

    There's "that" part of me, and then there's another part, which is quite the polar opposite of the first one, and one that I feverishly tried to hide from others. But I'm going to talk about it now, because I want to show people that it's okay to be transparent about your mental illness. It can help people to learn new ways of doing things. It was the "bad" part, or what I called justice. I thought that when someone treats others as their inferior, judges them unjustly, is mean, hostile, or cruel without provocation, they most definitely deserved to be treated back in that same way. I felt it was well within your rights to make them "feel" the same way they made you unfairly feel. Although this has recently been tested for me, as I was in a situation where someone else was treating me unfairly, and I was told by a third party that even though I was being wronged, they wanted me to be the "bigger person." It was hard for me to do that, because I had done nothing to deserve that someone else's meanness. I was conflicted. But I did choose to be the bigger person. Why not, right? I'm open to new things, new ideas, and new perspectives. Maybe there was something I didn't know, maybe they were worse off mentally than I was. I don't know, and I never found out. It did force me to think "differently" about things. It compelled me to actually "think" before I acted, something which is hard sometimes for people with Borderline, as we tend to act pretty impulsively. Now I stop and think before I (say something stupid, do something impulsively, etc.) Not every time, and not to the same degree every time. But..baby steps. Life is a journey of learning, and I definitely enjoy and encourage acquiring knowledge about things. That is how we learn. And I'm still learning, as many others are. I don't want to make myself miss out on opportunities to grow as a person and advance to new levels in this game we call Life.