...When you have Borderline, there are things you think and do that you don't want anyone else to ever find out. You hide parts of yourself. The "bad" parts. The taboo parts. And you definitely don't tell just anybody how you are really feeling. You just say "I'm fine," even though you're dying inside. Why do we do this? Because one- we know that most people really don't care anyway, and two- we will be judged, harshly, for who we are, what we think, things we say, and how we feel. I cringe even writing this, because it does make me very vulnerable. And I tend to not make great choices when I'm feeling vulnerable. I make awful choices. and I choose things that cause me great pain, like choosing the most emotionally unavailable person to love, or choosing to go back to them over and over. Why do I do this? I guess it's because I want to punish myself, beat myself up, because that's all I know. I don't know "how"

       Am I just as worthless as I thought? I fear I am.      I try to say the opposite, that I'm worthy, that I'm "special," that I will make a difference. But I don't know if I really believe that. Sometimes it just sounds ridiculous.         Nobody will ever love me. At least not the way I want them to. I'm just not worth it. I am not worthy of being loved. I don't deserve love. Why would someone want to love me? Nobody wants to "deal with" someone with Borderline. That's the last thing they want to do. And so I sit here, alone. And that is how it will be forever. Until the day I die.       Now that's the reality of Borderline. It comes crashing down like waves upon the sand. Being happy is just a lie. Being even content is pushing it. My self-worth has been destroyed, and I don't even know who I am anymore. I can be whatever I need to be. Except happy. That's just a fairy tale. An impossible dream. It's very much wanted an